Heath Ledger in clown makeup playing a fictional villain. Nothing is more attractive than a loose bolt. Imagine having sex with Batman? Ok, now imagine having sex with The Joker? Crazyyy.
It was Melancholia that day. Everything was fine and gloomy.
Working on the Kickstarter campaign has made me gravitate towards things I don’t normally eat: juice, nuts, and chips. Today I threw out an unopened bag of chips because it was staring at me. Then I felt super wasteful so i took it out of the trashcan. Then when I was back upstairs I felt guilty because no one was gonna know it was a dirty bag so I went back downstairs and rinsed the bag….”A Dirty Bag” is a great title for something. Dare u to snatch it.
These are 500 year old bricks that’ve been smoothed out by the waves. Old San Juan in Puerto Rico was and still is (partially) wrapped by a giant fort to protect the city from canonballs. These bricks between my legs are 500 years old. Thats whats up.
during some late night texting from NY2PR my boy asked me if it was ok for him to take steroids. He’s turning 29 soon, so i thought if not Now, then when? Now (not his “now”, but all of our “now”s) is the time to transition into all the things you feel your skin pulling and wanting to morph into. For me, this has been a year of thinking about drag conceptually, as a subject for esaays and films, but the idea of dressing up as a woman has never satisfied something in me. But thinking about my friend loading up his muscles in a way that seems costume-like (in a good way and cool way, you know, like gaga) made me think of Male-2-Male transitions. Ya know like instead of men who want to take hormones to be girls, guys who transition into different kinds of men(!). Trippy right? when i moved to NY after being straight for 18 years in Puerto Rico, i knew i wanted to live like a gay dude but i didnt know how. What does an openly gay life entail? i thought.
I tried on and shed lots of different costumes. Some were really too baggy and i felt the real me didnt show through, and others were too confining, too tight and restrictive that i didnt feel playful and got sad. Some costumes just aren’t a good look. These past 2 years, i put away all my physical clothes, sealed my Thom Browne and Band of Outsiders in a cardboard box, and shipped it to Puerto Rico. I only wore and still really only wear the same 3 things (mostly tshirts from middle school or camp), so that when i wear them i forget im wearing clothes. I feel naked, costumeless, and i’ve never felt more like myself. socially, sexually, and i don’t know intellectually i guess, its been super freeing, like i didnt realize i was dressed up until i got naked. As humans we’re always in transition, we grow because if not we wouldnt be alive, by defintion!, but i feel that gay men everywhere REALLY are transitioning as i type, individually but also collectively. For the first time in the modern history of the human world, gay men can really be whatever and whoever they want to be. Atleast in some cities of the world. And that’s exciting. It’s a second chance for older generations of gays to be who they always wanted to be but maybe felt they couldnt in like the 40’s and 50’s. And for younger generations to simply grow up being themselves. Like if a 13-year old gay dude wants to play basketball or he wants to put on a dress and dance or do both or neither, its cool. The whole one-type of gay guy has totally been shed.
I like when i cant tell a guy is gay, and by that i DONT mean that he’s more masculine than feminine, i like both, really masc guys and fem guys (as long as they are themselves both can be hot, a masc guy pretending to be fem is weird and vice versa is also offputting). What i mean is that in this MALE-TO-MALE TRANSITION it’s so satisfying to meet and hang with men whose identities are not primarily defined by being gay. So you can’t really tell if they are gay. Like my best friend, i don’t think gay immediately when i think of him. I think of other qualities that define him. Gay is secondary, he is in a private relationship, so why would who he sleeps with define him primarily. And that’s a clear sign that gay men are no longer a sick population, because they really used to be, ANY living creature that has to deny itself will become sick: A dog who hates being a dog and tries to convince other dogs that it is not a dog will definitely become a sick dog. Period. And dont get me started about rocks who pretend they aren’t rocks. So these are exciting times and im happy to be more naked everyday and i like meeting other naked people. Be the man you always wanted to be. whatever dat is BE IT.
“The hearts of men, the parts we play to convince others…” -First Aid Kit
Just do it.
In the People You May Know box, Facebook may actually introduce you to your next boyfriend. They’ve made it statistically possible. But can techies come up with an algorithm for what happens after? I really believe there is a scientific/invisible natural code behind First Love. Everyone’s first love seems to happen the same way! (Quick recap: u fall in love super deeply the first time, u obsesses over having found each other and over your future together & build it up so much, a mansion in the woods with baby monkeys and tigers, a hyperreality so big and attractive you want it now and it crushes the reality of your present, you think you’ll never meet someone as similar as you, one of you does something disappointing, you take a break apart from each other that is supposed to help but makes it harder, feelings of love & hate/jealousy battle each other out in a mental battlefield, you try to hold on to images of the future, you bang a lot to distract from whats going on, but the present becomes cave-like until you crawl out, you get over it, forget bad memories, only recall them to make good decisions about future boys). But what about second love? or third? What is the formula for that?My friend Nora said second and third love are way better and more fun and healthier but less passionate/intense. I like that but refuse to believe that my first love will be the most passionate. I’m young right?
this is a thought i had while filming in Puerto Rico. dressing up/transitioning into women gives men a new body/vessel/freedom-mask that grants them agency they hadn’t tapped into be4. men noticeably more confident as women than as men. same as Halloween in city so fun because everyone’s more confident, free from their own real vessel (body) inhabiting a temporary one (costume): more self love which equals more love of others which is more fun period. So ok “guys more confident as girls”, but some r more likeable as men, for me personally, sometimes they take on cartoon qualities & tastes of women (vanity, weakness, dependent of men) instead of the good ones. i guess sometimes on the surface drag can come off like mask gayboys wear to jump around and wear their mom’s jewelry and be divas who can be frail without risking masculinity in the realm of man-body rules, but sometimes really cool to look at bc they are empowered and evryone likes to watch that/inspiring. when they can sing, rap, dance, work it, seduce you like a real woman then job well done. and also duh, Women are most powerful as men, too. just look at all the powerful women. Oprah? Hillary Clinton? Rupaul? total dudes
I’m going to Puerto Rico. Peace!
Can i really afford a gym right now? Watched all these thug workout videos on You Tube. Backyard will do.
